Critiquing Awful Facebook Posts

The only people still actively using Facebook these days are aging relatives locked in unhappy marriages, uneducated racist assholes, and a few straggling social outcasts who don’t quite get that the allure of the site died off long ago. I mean if you scroll through a Facebook news feed, it would almost require a handful of promethazine tablets to refrain from gagging and/or violently vomiting all over your desk.

Anyone who has tried to correct one of the many misguided updates on Facebook has quickly learned to regret that decision, via a three-day barge of notifications full of heavily misspelled retaliation comments. So let’s just cut that part out and do things the respectable way, by bashing these terrible posts in complete anonymity, like the Internet was meant for.

Note: In all honesty everyone should post whatever the hell they want. Don’t let some condescending fuck like me affect your self expression. Just know at the end of the day, that shit is going to get the hell criticized out of it. Moving on…

hbm

This one’s from a page that apparently has a large fan base. Although I don’t understand why. You can’t just refuse death. That shit happens. I mean sure, I guess you could refuse a funeral but what the fuck. Type Amen? For what? Your blatantly obvious (and unfortunately successful) attempt at publicity??

Oh, sorry Death, but HERTY FUCKING BORNGREAT refused you on my behalf. Maybe next year.

la

The usual and the ordinary are literally the same exact thing. I mean they are fucking synonyms. Thesaurus.com lists them as synonyms. Obviously, if you do not risk one thing, you will have to settle for having that exact same thing. Obviously. Come the fuck on.

kb

Look, can we all stop posting on social media any moment we ingest an alcoholic beverage. Has any adult ever seen a man drinking and thought “WOW THAT GUY IS SOOOO COOL, HE’S DRINKING A BEER!”

No.

Never.

So why the fuck would that be the effect when posted on a social media site. Not only that, publicizing the fact that your alcoholism precludes you from getting past the time of day where you eat breakfast sandwiches without having a brew is probably not doing much for your image. And no, the “I’M IN AN AIRPORT” excuse doesn’t work either. Anyone who is not a cirrhosis-stage alcoholic who is drinking at an airport bar in the morning is exactly the kind of person who shares with Facebook every time they have a beer. Don’t be that person.

ms

Placing the word “industry” after a shitty job title does not immediately transform it into something desirable. Social media is all about self promotion, I get that, but this is just the pretentious way of saying “Hey, the cell phone booth I work at in the mall is hiring.”

jb

“This photo is of unbelievably poor quality, but since I took it with my camera phone, it’s really cool.”

Except no. It’s not. It’s terrible. The fact that you took this piece of shit does not make it worthy of a permanent featuring atop your profile.

dm

Stop with the song lyrics. It’s tempting when you hear that line in a song that really hits home with you, but at the end of the day 90% of the people reading your post have never heard the song and thus have no idea what melody you’re attempting to convey. Then it just sounds like a shitty slam poem. Not doing yourself any favors here.